


Pandora

by vailkagami



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, Stream of Consciousness, spoilers for the season 9 finale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-01
Updated: 2014-06-01
Packaged: 2018-02-03 01:39:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1726460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vailkagami/pseuds/vailkagami
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gadreel thought he had a chance, in the beginning.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pandora

It is

ironically

Sam Winchester that makes Gadreel understand that there is no hope, for him, of redemption.

And perhaps he should have known from the start because his brethren are

flawed

like he is flawed, like humans are flawed, and all of his father’s creations, but he had hope, like fuel in an engine, hope itself fuelled by anger, fuelled by desperation fuelled by injustice by loneliness by humiliation by helplessness by betrayal, an endless chain of one notion flowing into another and all of them painful until finally after aeons he arrived at hope.

(There is a story somewhere about a box that Gadreel has never heard.)

The hope stems from a chance that stems from tragedy. He is free for the first time since man has walked; for the first time he is capable of proving them wrong, of making up for everything and show them, of going home and taking his place, the one meant for him, as a guardian, as someone who

All these aeons in a cage knowing he could do better if only he had the chance, knowing they would recognize the best of him if only he had the chance, knowing all the good he could do if only he had the chance and never having the chance. Of being unrealised potential, wasted. It’s here now, his moment. He wants to be free more than anything, but he wants more than just anything. His brethren, the ones who laughed at him, who cursed him, who dismissed him,

his brethren will be in his depth and they will _understand_. Gadreel wants them to understand, he wants to be

a hero

not for fame, not for glory but for the simple right to be seen as something that has value.

But being Metatron’s right hand doesn’t give him value in the eyes of the others. It gives him authority with no respect and he can still hear them talk about him not even trying to keep their voices down,

their stolen human voices that carry so weakly through this earthly air that should have been home to them from the start. (When did they lose that? How could they allow it to be lost?) They talk about him as the failure. They wonder why he is where he is and not someone else, someone trustworthy, someone valued, someone good. And the thinks, they will know when he did what no one else can and brought them all home, saved them, when they will have to acknowledge his accomplishments (they _have_ to, how could they _not_ ) but they speak about Sam Winchester, too, and they do it mockingly. They mock Sam and them use him to mock Gadreel and the latter stings but the first is wrong, it is _wrong_ and Gadreel will not abide it, he cannot, because Sam hates him, the only creature on Earth who does so with good reason, and that was perhaps the biggest sacrifice Gadreel had to make on his way to where he is.

(He wants to say sometimes, _I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I would do it again. I’m sorry you had to be collateral damage but you are beautiful, so beautiful, you are what I was meant to save and protect, you are my reason for existing, all of our reason, and you should know, you deserve to know that you are good, you are enough, you should be proud, stand tall because you_ shine _and I want you to know, I want someone to tell you, anyone, because I can’t, I want to but I can’t_

 _I am so sorry that I need you to be my enemy._ )

(One time he seeks out the Winchester brothers as they are sleeping in their car and whispers the truth into Sam’s ear.)

And the angels say, “Gadreel is weak, how can we depend on Gadreel, rely on Gadreel to be of any use to us when he could not even prevent being cast out by a failing human vessel?”

And Gadreel tells them, he says, “My vessel was Sam Winchester, who you all know as the vessel of Lucifer

the bother you were all raised to fear

and love

and condemn

and follow

that all of you, with all your power, either called master or abomination, that you tried to defeat for millennia and could barely even keep contained for more than what amounts to a heartbeat in the span of your lifetimes. The most powerful, the

most bright

of all of us, and Sam Winchester –

meant for nothing but being a body for him to wear –

defeated him, he held him down and locked him up because he possesses a strength this world has never known, how can any weakened angel be expected to withstand that,

how can you think any of you would have fared better,

how are you not in _awe_?”

He wants to scream it from the rooftops. The other angels look at him blankly when he speaks.

And he understands that there will be no redemption for him and no glory, because no one cares. The world, the angels and demons and humans do not care about Sam Winchester now that he is no longer a set player in a greater game and so nothing he will ever accomplish will be worthy of their acknowledgement, and just like that they will dismiss Gadreel as well, who could tear his grace and being and self apart for them and it will

never

never

never

never

never

be enough.

 

-

 

When he dies he speaks of redemption. Inside he thinks that he should have gone to Sam instead and asked for a cup, a bucket from his infinite well of forgiveness. Together they could have been something that they cannot be

with anyone

else. 

1 June 2014

**Author's Note:**

> Written for my [genprompt-bingo card](http://vail-kagami.dreamwidth.org/13399.html). Prompt: _Humiliation_
> 
> I have no idea what happened here.


End file.
